In Happiness and Guilt

It's been a while ...
The parents have left Berkeley, the crazy work schedule I have gotten used to by now, the extra-curricular volunteer work with Trikone is on the lull which in effect rules out all my excuses for not having the time to write.

In all honesty, I just have to be in the right frame of mind to be true to something, which I realize I dont have to make excuses for anymore.

When I started this blog, it was meant to be shown one day to one of my wonderful sisters, who is the only person in my family to know about the "other" part of my life (I would have used the term "real me" here, but only three people in this world know that person :)). It was her reaction to my coming out, that prompted me to figure that if only she knew what was going on in my head; she would learn to accept the difference.

The guilt in my title stems from the fact, that I have not been paying enough attention to make my logic work. I am happy however that during the time I was not looking, my words were still being appreciated. It's funny how, it was the latter that had me smiling and take to the keyboard once again.

Self Realization Fact - Don't take me on guilt trips ... show me the love instead.

The creation of Ajae

According to Hindu mythology, Brahma is the creator of the universe. His better half being Saraswati, the goddess of education who sits on a rock in the middle of water. The symbolism exotic, in that education never falters in a fluid world, the foundation is as solid as a rock.

I have been a huge fan of Saraswati and followed her all the way through my masters degree with plans to continue on in future. Brahma on the other hand is not a very popular god. In fact, I have never come across a single temple dedicated to him. I don't know why though, because I do enjoy the concept of creation. I enjoy it so much that I created me an alter self ... Ajae. Ajae could do a lot of things I could not do. The significant one being that Ajae was allowed to sleep with men!

My culture instilled in me early on that my calling was to return to my homeland, get married to the ideal girl that my parents picked out, have kids and lead the wonderful life this was meant to be. I am not altogether saying that this is a bad thing if you are a straight person. There is some science to this concept. The suitors usually go through a very difficult vetting process wherein any person who is known commonly to both parties is contacted to determine the compatibility of the match (does the guy drink or smoke, does the girl know how to sing and dance, etc. all and anything else that matters to either party). Then there's the usually one meeting confirmation process between them. Granted you may only get to see each other once before the engagement/wedding, however the vetting is so intense that this meeting is mainly to figure out if there is physical attraction. The expectation after all this, and one I truly enjoy and still believe, is that, marriage is a one time affair and you need to compromise in any manner possible to make it last your lifetime. This surety of companionship, loyalty and happiness that were a part of my foreseeable future gave me immense social confidence.

Ajae was created in Poughkeepsie. My future allowed Ajae to be nonchalant to anyone that I felt were not to be a part of it. Along with his imaginary name, he also had an imaginary identity that kept changing everyday. It allowed him to be creative with professions, hobbies, educational qualifications or the answer to any other question in his conversations. Ajae was very popular during this phase of overconfidence and recklessness. It was probably the neglectful and unattainable attitudes that he projected, or that he was all about wanton sex without emotions, which made him desirable to men (What's with the human race's attraction to jerks?). This fit right into my desire to only have one night stands so no one would know or begin to like the real me. Ajae also made it possible for me to escape entirely into my 'real' world one day by changing locations, leaving no happy memories with anyone behind, and be in denial myself about ever being him. He was created to try anything and everything related to being gay, guilt and evidence free, in order to get it out of my system before I had to be responsible for a family.

Ajae started blurring as a concept when I began to realize how lonely and unfulfilled I was in that existence. I started to make friends and felt accepted by them and welcomed into their families. These friends from Poughkeepsie, I will always be thankful for, as they facilitated the onset of my acceptance of myself. I came out to them ...