In Happiness and Guilt

It's been a while ...
The parents have left Berkeley, the crazy work schedule I have gotten used to by now, the extra-curricular volunteer work with Trikone is on the lull which in effect rules out all my excuses for not having the time to write.

In all honesty, I just have to be in the right frame of mind to be true to something, which I realize I dont have to make excuses for anymore.

When I started this blog, it was meant to be shown one day to one of my wonderful sisters, who is the only person in my family to know about the "other" part of my life (I would have used the term "real me" here, but only three people in this world know that person :)). It was her reaction to my coming out, that prompted me to figure that if only she knew what was going on in my head; she would learn to accept the difference.

The guilt in my title stems from the fact, that I have not been paying enough attention to make my logic work. I am happy however that during the time I was not looking, my words were still being appreciated. It's funny how, it was the latter that had me smiling and take to the keyboard once again.

Self Realization Fact - Don't take me on guilt trips ... show me the love instead.

Bleh

You know that feeling in your tummy when you should be working because there's so much to get done ... but then you just dont want to do it no more.

My folks are in town. I am seeing them after three long years. I was homesick for a while before they came to visit. I am "really really really" happy that they are here! So why do I feel like I need space? I thought about this some when I was lying on my futon in the living room watching some crappy show on tv and my mom came and sat next to me and then lay down. It was fine thus far, till my dad decided he wanted to sit below my feet and read a book he borrowed from the berkeley public library of which he has become a devoted member. Thats when it hit me ... the reason why I survived years of staying with them was partly because I had my own room in a much larger house (as against my modest one bedroom apt) and I could close the door on them without going on a guilt trip.

They are the best roomies I have had though. I know that if I told them something was annoying me, they would listen (like this morning when I did not want to wake up till 8:30, I raised my head from under the sheets and said sssshhhhhh; and they, as only my parents would do with all their love for me, went into the bedroom and stayed so quiet I slept till 9 am). I just refuse to use that leverage a lot because I want them to have the best time with me ... selfish much? ... I'd say yes. :)

I am already dreading valentine's day next year ... cos thats when they leave! In the meantime, I'm using my office as "space" ...

The creation of Ajae

According to Hindu mythology, Brahma is the creator of the universe. His better half being Saraswati, the goddess of education who sits on a rock in the middle of water. The symbolism exotic, in that education never falters in a fluid world, the foundation is as solid as a rock.

I have been a huge fan of Saraswati and followed her all the way through my masters degree with plans to continue on in future. Brahma on the other hand is not a very popular god. In fact, I have never come across a single temple dedicated to him. I don't know why though, because I do enjoy the concept of creation. I enjoy it so much that I created me an alter self ... Ajae. Ajae could do a lot of things I could not do. The significant one being that Ajae was allowed to sleep with men!

My culture instilled in me early on that my calling was to return to my homeland, get married to the ideal girl that my parents picked out, have kids and lead the wonderful life this was meant to be. I am not altogether saying that this is a bad thing if you are a straight person. There is some science to this concept. The suitors usually go through a very difficult vetting process wherein any person who is known commonly to both parties is contacted to determine the compatibility of the match (does the guy drink or smoke, does the girl know how to sing and dance, etc. all and anything else that matters to either party). Then there's the usually one meeting confirmation process between them. Granted you may only get to see each other once before the engagement/wedding, however the vetting is so intense that this meeting is mainly to figure out if there is physical attraction. The expectation after all this, and one I truly enjoy and still believe, is that, marriage is a one time affair and you need to compromise in any manner possible to make it last your lifetime. This surety of companionship, loyalty and happiness that were a part of my foreseeable future gave me immense social confidence.

Ajae was created in Poughkeepsie. My future allowed Ajae to be nonchalant to anyone that I felt were not to be a part of it. Along with his imaginary name, he also had an imaginary identity that kept changing everyday. It allowed him to be creative with professions, hobbies, educational qualifications or the answer to any other question in his conversations. Ajae was very popular during this phase of overconfidence and recklessness. It was probably the neglectful and unattainable attitudes that he projected, or that he was all about wanton sex without emotions, which made him desirable to men (What's with the human race's attraction to jerks?). This fit right into my desire to only have one night stands so no one would know or begin to like the real me. Ajae also made it possible for me to escape entirely into my 'real' world one day by changing locations, leaving no happy memories with anyone behind, and be in denial myself about ever being him. He was created to try anything and everything related to being gay, guilt and evidence free, in order to get it out of my system before I had to be responsible for a family.

Ajae started blurring as a concept when I began to realize how lonely and unfulfilled I was in that existence. I started to make friends and felt accepted by them and welcomed into their families. These friends from Poughkeepsie, I will always be thankful for, as they facilitated the onset of my acceptance of myself. I came out to them ...

Apologies

I would like to acknowledge that I unintentionally lost contact with a lot of people who were near and dear to me during the last two years. I am using this blog as a medium to apologize to them while citing verbal abuse and resulting depression as a plausible explanation for my erratic behavior.

This is not a cop out and you will read about this phase in future posts should you choose to continue reading. It took me a few months of respect to take the reins back but I am glad that I had someone to tell me that; sometimes we just have to give things up and stop fighting i.e. take a step back to move forward.

Path to Self Discovery

I am starting a blog ...

I grew up with stories of yogis spending considerable amounts of time meditating in the mountains, near the creeks, in the oceans, under the bodhi tree etc. all. Fascinating stories in stunning settings all with a purpose to attain what they were seeking ... be it god or be it my own quest of self discovery.

I have found god and I am in love with her. She takes the form of all the three consorts of the trimurti (the three prime gods in my polytheistic hindu religious beliefs). She starts her day as the goddess of wealth (mahalakshmi), transforms into the goddess of learning (mahasaraswati) around mid-day, and ends the day in the form of mahakali, the goddess of power and destruction. I am in love with her because she's such a chameleon and makes for wonderful mythological stories. She is just like me except that my stories are more recent and believably factual for the most part. Moreover, she listens to me, is happy with the time I spend with her everyday in my own surroundings, grants me my wishes as long as its legitimate and I work towards achieving it, and most importantly she sets my mind to peace ... her name is Mookambika.

I am starting this blog in the hopes that reading it will add to my efforts of learning from my experiences on the path to be a better person. I also want to share my life with whomever reads these entries ... the life of a now 29 year old semi-closeted gay indian guy living in one of the most liberal cities in the world. There will be stories about life, family, friends, work, being a kid, politics, growing up, being gay, coming out, slowly but surely, education, the party scene, getting drunk, geekiness, being stupid, hating being drunk, india, indians, gay indians, hindu mythology, split personalities, getting caught, floozydom, being smart, looking good, out and about, being loud, shopping, food and cooking, america, americans, gay americans, bombay (mumbai), kerala (gods own country), cochin (queen of the arabian sea), san francisco, new york, poughkeepsie (upstate ny), oakland, and berkeley. I will add things to these categories as we go along about "me being me", and any requests based on reader comments. Please feel free and maybe even possibly try real hard to post comments to help me fast track this path to self discovery ... my pseudonym is Ajae.